What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 07:29
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im still living with it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was seconnd youngest,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One cannot live in the past .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
How did Nickelback gain a large fan base despite criticism of their music?
Comes on , in middle age.
I waited trembling.
All the time i was locked up.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But it wasn’t much.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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But, we were locked up after school.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I write beautiful poetry .
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I don,t even have a pension.
How do you have intercourse with a girl who can remember you for a long time?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why does Filipino culture dictate that parents should be treated as gods?
She married twice! .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I said to her
Why would my ex block me after I blocked him?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Put me off passion for life!!
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I was 9 years of age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Would this be the day?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why after 50 years of being straight do I constantly desire to suck cock?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was in good health!
But ive been too sick for many years..
We were not on the streets..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She found it foreign!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
When she asked me how she looked .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So whats the point in blame.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was very sick at this time too.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I could never make a relationship work though!
She loved him until the end.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So, i spoilt her more .
It was going to be , some day.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Especially a lifetime of it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Ive learnt so much.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Was to survive, this bastard.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And i lived it daily.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My family never makes their pension either.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My life is so biszare .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
This is soul school!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We all went to grammer schools
She wouldn,t have been !
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was scared of men, in general
I will be 64.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Who then, do I blame.?
I have no regrets .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I never cut or harmed myself..
(And it was in our own minds.)
He resisted the act ,that day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
What did i know ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I think the readers, may guess!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He knew the spot.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!